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Wednesday
Jul282010

Money lenders of love. A sad story.

I want to write about money-lenders of relationships. No, I am not talking about dollars and cents here-yes, I am talking, again, about love.

Remember that universal story about the money lender that loaned money to people in need under the highest percentage? And then he collected, sometimes with brutal force; and afterward-he hoarded it. He never shared. Not for a moment this man could imagine giving away any of his precious gold coins. He never bought anything for himself, never took care of anyone.. He died alone, desperate for human care, surrounded by bags of useless money.

Now picture a relationship. You meet someone, you fall in love, you say "I love you", and the person says, "I cant' say it back. I am not mushy that way." And he/she doesn't. Ever. Or, may be, on special occasions, once every 10 years. Like that money lender, he/she collects from you, without giving anything back. Those are usually unequal, cold relationships. They leave the other person feeling insecure, off balance, starved for affection. Of course, after along time it is possible to learn to live with it-humans, we are adoptable creatures, but it's not really fun.

Do these relationships last? Rarely.. Eventually the starved party meets someone else who recognizes the glimmer of emotional hunger in them, says the magic words, and he/she bolts out.

The money lender gets left, bewildered, saying something like, " But she/he knew I loved him/her, why ?!"

When I work with money lenders, this is the moment when I ask them, "How? How did she/he know about your love if you didn't say it? Through ESP? Really?" The response I get usually involves words "should, actions, I am that way."

That way does not work.

These people behave like there is, somewhere, a giant bank, where the "I love yous" are stored. And all of us have accounts, with a limited amount on them. And once we spend/say "I love you", the accounts will be empty. So they dole it out, rationing, like there will be a word famine on love at any moment. So sad. Such an inept way to live life. Lonely in death.

Am I dramatizing? A little. I like to exaggerate to drive a point home.And, just in case,  I am not one of those Marin county "love saves everything " therapists either =).

I am a therapist that believes that ,like everything else worthwhile, relationships need to be cared for and maintained. Saying " I love you," as much as you can, is a part of that maintenance. That's how your loved one knows - for sure.

Have you said your I love you today? =)

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